It is one of the great fears of the parents of school age children that their child will be bullied. What parents usually won't consider, however, is getting a call from the school to tell them that their child is a bully.
What is a Bully?
According to Bullying UK children may be bullying someone if their:
- Call people names
- Make up stories to get them into trouble
- Take their friends away leaving them on their own
- Hit them, kick them, trip them up or push them around
- Make remarks about their looks or weight
- Tell them they are busy and then go off to enjoy themselves with other people
- Damage their property
- Make jokes about them which make them upset
- Indulge in horseplay when they know the other child is not enjoying it
- Are going along with the crowd who are doing any of these things
- Tell other people not to be friends with them
- Make remarks about their culture, religion or colour
- Make remarks about their disability or medical condition
- Leave them out when choosing a games team
- Take away their possessions or demand money from them
- Hide their books or bag
- Send them nasty text messages or emails or make silent calls on their phone
- Make threats about nasty things that will happen to them
- Make remarks about them liking other boys or other girls.
Is It Your Fault If Your Child is a Bully?
No. Although you may want to examine your own behaviour to see if your child is taking any leads from you. For example if you believe in smacking as a form of discipline, and your child has been bullying with physical violence, then you may need to re-evaluate whether your child is getting a different message from your smacks than you had intended.
As can be seen from the list above, a lot of what is considered to be bullying can also be normal childhood behaviour from children who do not yet understand the impact of their actions on others. For this reason it should not be automatically assumed that the child is being purposefully cruel or that his behaviour is a result of his upbringing.
What Can I Do If My Child is a Bully?
Your first reaction should be one of support. Sit your child down and discuss what has been happening at school with him. Tell him what you know and ask if he knew that he was hurting someone's feelings. You should let him know that what he is doing is unacceptable and the results it has had.
Remember that the results you tell him should be the feelings of the victim, not that you are angry that you had to leave work early to see the headmaster. If this is the first instance, let him know that you are a bit disappointed but not angry at him, as you are sure that he was not aware of the pain he was causing.
What if He is a Persistent Bully or Has Been Violent?
If you have tried to be supportive and it hasn't worked you may feel it is necessary to go use punishment. You may decide to give him a warning; discuss detentions or counselling with the school; confiscate mobile phones, televisions or gaming equipment; or grounding. If the incident involved cyberbullying or text bullying, remove his phone or computer.
You should work very closely with the school both to reassure the authorities that you are taking the incidents seriously and are being supportive, and also to keep a check on the situation. If you do believe in smacking and the incident involved violence, re-evaluate your discipline methods.
In conclusion for all of the victims of bullying there are bullies. Any reports to you that your child may be a bully should be taken seriously but the problem can be dealt with and resolved. Do not forget to ask for help from the school if you feel you need it.
Dulcinea Norton-Smith - Dulcinea is a writer, an avid reader, a loving wife, a terrible housewife, a mother of two, a Civil Servant and of course a freelance ...
